The Washington Notebook Affair

Stop criticizing those (of “us”) in the high-level delegation from Kenya led by HE President Uhuru Kenyatta on the occasion of a roundtable meeting in one of those many many boardrooms in the White House – they are many!

Now, let me give you “reasons” (read excuses) why those of “us” who were in that Washington boardroom did not need to take notes. Let us first agree on one thing eh, taking notes is no longer swaggerific (“Having Swagger that exceeds the limit of 9,000. [which is] Not commonly found”, according to Urban Dictionary – who knew there is swaggernometer…!? Anyhow, those of us in that boardroom with the inheritor of Obama’s bedroom used to be notebookers – yes, at one point we were notebookers like the Americans. We used to write during meetings and even during sermons when the Holy Spirit (I hope it was He) descended upon our right hands and it was not too cold for our bics to go on strike. Back then, we would notebook and let out CEO-like chuckles and scoffs because our neighbors couldn’t write. Thus, writing (and by extension having a notebook) was a sign of being a serious, important person to the illiterate. In fact, the ability to read and write made our mothers outright, unchallenged, merry-go-rounds’ treasurers, prayer groups’ chairs and directors of wedding high tables. Notebooks were almost as significant as professor spectacles whose positioning on the face seemed to assist the nostrils more than the eyes – I still see those with lecturers during the post-solidarity-forever press briefings where Luopean and Anglokyuk accents assassinate pronunciation and meaning intended by Her Majesty.

…taking notes is no longer swaggerific (“Having Swagger that exceeds the limit of 9,000.”[Which is] “Not commonly found“… who knew there is swaggernometer…!?)

Forget the castigation and the status thingamajig – I feel like PLO in Supreme Court now :-). For Rotich, Macharia, Monica et al and I, taking notes was torture; more like a form of institutionalized colonialism. The trauma of writing endless notes in our 8-minus-4-minus-4-equals-zero system, as we muttered curses still haunts us. This is why we do not carry notebooks to meetings. After all, writing was for the nerds who did not have girlfriends to write letters to! We are still dealing with the post-traumatic notebook disorder in our own different ways.

We are also wondering whose side you are on when you go on and on that the Americans were all writing and we weren’t. SMH… During our times, when the most powerful person spoke (more like roared) – and that was our fathers – fleas did not bite, storms calmed and no kitchen smoking nonsense. Now, the most powerful person on earth was speaking – we did what our fathers expected us to do – shut our traps, clasped our hands and smiled sheepishly ear-to-ear. Plus, those American notebooks you saw were remnants of the America First campaigns while our Tano Tena ones are somewhere in Pangani waiting for re-branding come 2022. So, you see, we are considerately increasing fuel prices and refusing to use notebooks to save you taxpayers money and you ought to be grateful!

Anyhow, since you don’t have the backstory, here is exactly what happened. Those of us that went to Washington studied in the pre-Matiang’i era when left-handed guys were as rare as matatu sanity. Back then, the lefties were nerds and the teachers did not particularly like them writing with their left hands – it was taboo to them and they were messianic to us. So, we would wait for the Leftie to take notes and then we would copy later… it was smart because he was the smartest! As you might have noted on that table, the Leftie had a notebook and we were waiting expectantly waiting for him to finish so that we could do the usual – even he just wrote, “White House with Trump” and he underlined. This why when you ask us what the meeting was about, our default response is, “we discussed maaaaaaany many many things… er… like how…. er… direct flight… you know… mirrion dorrar… ang’o… feeeeery many many…” Don’t you forget, we are Kenyan patriots and we buy Kenyan to support Kenya – we couldn’t turn our backs on our very own God-given, Matiang’i-exterminated invention, Mwakenya… Whatever patriotism is, if this isn’t…? Kwanza the photographer did give us a chance to say cheeeeeese…

Don’t enter for us anymore (Msituingilie tena)! But if you really really really want to and must see the notes, here’s a pic peek…

These are investment notes worth USD 238 million